


Grin and Bear It

by vernonsgf



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, M/M, So much angst, like no fluff at all sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-22
Updated: 2016-07-22
Packaged: 2018-07-26 00:42:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7553608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vernonsgf/pseuds/vernonsgf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"He likes you, okay? More than he’ll ever like anyone else, including me. I’m nothing more than his childhood best friend. He doesn’t even care if I’m there or not, as long as you’re there you’re all he can see."</p><p>It was a mistake for Joshua to introduce his two best friends, and even more of a mistake to let them fall for each other when he had already fallen for one himself. But Joshua was raised to be selfless, so as long as his mistake doesn't hurt anyone but himself, he can be stoic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Grin and Bear It

Joshua is timid. He always has been, from the first time he met his cousins and hid behind his mom’s legs to a few days ago, when a freshman bumped into him in the hallway and he couldn’t even make eye contact, let alone mutter a small ‘sorry’ as if it were his own fault. He keeps his eyes down as he shuffles away, watching feet pass by, but never faces.

Today, his heart hurts. A familiar but unwanted ache that settles deep within him. He watched Jeonghan and Seungcheol, his two best friends, walk off without him. Laughing to each other like they hadn’t even noticed he had stopped to tie his shoelaces. He feels lost and alone, tears welling in his eyes as he walks home by himself.

“Stop feeling sorry for yourself.” Hansol, Joshua’s other best, but admittedly less than Jeonghan and Seungcheol, friend says. Joshua winces at the harsh tone as it hits his ears.

“I’m not.” He mutters.

“Yes, you are.” Hansol says. “They did notice that you were gone, you know that, right? Jeonghan texted me right before you showed up to ask if I had seen you. He said you disappeared on them.”

“Did Seungcheol text you?” Joshua asks, his voice turning cold. Hansol freezes.

“His phone probably died. You know how forgetful he is when it comes to charging things.” Hansol says, but it isn’t convincing in the slightest.

“Yeah, sure.” Joshua mutters. He turns his back to Hansol, resting his chin on his arms that are folded on his desk.

“Josh,” Hansol starts, but he doesn’t know how to finish. He’s worried about Joshua, everything about his behaviour is setting off warning signs in Hansol’s head, but he doesn’t know how to deal with them.

“I’m fine, Hansol. I know you have somewhere you’d rather be than watching me wallow in self pity. You’re right, I am feeling sorry for myself.” Joshua says.

Hansol leaves, hesitantly, but he still leaves. Joshua is alone again.

Joshua has been stuck in this dilemma for a while. He’s not sure exactly when it started, but the feelings that well in his chest whenever he sees Seungcheol didn’t happen overnight. It was a gradual, downward slope, and Joshua had fallen and fallen until he was so dizzy he couldn’t stand. The smell of Seungcheol’s cologne marked every corner of the apartment that Joshua and Hansol shared, but it was the strongest in Joshua’s room. And it hurt Joshua when he rolled over in bed at night and caught a waft of the woodsy scent. Cedar. It was all Seungcheol smelled like, and it haunted Joshua’s dreams.

“Josh!” Seungcheol calls out and picks up his speed to catch up with him. Joshua wraps his arms around himself, a protective barrier against the feelings that he could feel starting to bud inside of him.

“Are you cold?” Seungcheol asks, taking in Joshua’s posture.

Joshua shakes his head. “I’m fine.” He says, wrapping his arms around himself. Seungcheol grabs his shoulder to stop him.

“Joshua, it’s the middle of the winter and you’re out here in nothing but a sweater. You’re not fine.” Seungcheol says.

He reaches into his own backpack to pull out his own hoodie. He hands it to Joshua with instructions to put it on and keep it on until he can feel his fingers again. Joshua doesn’t object, instead he pulls the hoodie and thanks every higher being he can think of for Seungcheol’s habit of buying clothes that are way too big for him and hang comfortably off of Joshua’s smaller frame. Seungcheol talks to Joshua for the rest of the walk, only stopping when Joshua walks into a lecture that they don’t share. He never once mentions that Joshua disappeared the day before, but Joshua doesn’t expect him too.

Seungcheol’s had a crush on Jeonghan for as long as anyone can remember. Joshua introduced the two in high school, something that he regretted doing as soon as Seungcheol admitted that he wanted to wake up next to Jeonghan in the morning and go to sleep next to him at night. Jeonghan had only wanted to meet Seungcheol to see what was so special about him that had Joshua catching feelings. Joshua figured that the only reason Jeonghan hadn’t pursued his attraction to Seungcheol was to spare him. Which is why when Jeonghan asks for the go-ahead to ask Seungcheol out, Joshua gives it.

“It’s fine, Jeonghan. It’s not my place to say who you can and can’t date. I’ll get over it.” Joshua says.

“You’ve had a crush on him since high school, Joshua. Those kinds of things don’t just end in one day.” Jeonghan protests. Joshua wants to scream, wants to ask him why he’s being so difficult.

“Exactly, I’ve had a crush on him since high school and nothing has happened, so I’ll get over it. It’s not like this wasn’t going to happen eventually.” Joshua says, but inside he’s already sulking. He can hear Hansol’s voice in the back of his head, nagging him and accusing him of feeling sorry for himself. He can’t even deny it.

“Nothing has happened because you refuse to take initiative.” Jeonghan all but yells.

Joshua does yell. So loud that he scares himself. “Are you going to ask him out or not? Because right now it seems like you’re trying to come up with excuses not to.”

“I just don’t want to hurt you. I know how much you like him and I know that this is going to hurt you, no matter how much you say it won’t.” Jeonghan says. His head is in his hands, and Joshua can tell that he’s fed up. They’ve never fought like this before. Ever.

“He likes you, okay? More than he’ll ever like anyone else, including me. I’m nothing more than his childhood best friend. He doesn’t even care if I’m there or not, as long as you’re there you’re all he can see.” Joshua says, not bothering to hide the hurt in his voice or ignore the pain in his chest.

“Why are you saying that like it’s my fault?” Jeonghan asks. Joshua wants to cry. He wants to cry so bad and everything in his body is screaming at him to leave and find solace in the comfort of his bedsheets.

“I’m not. I’m saying that he doesn’t like me and he never will, so there’s not point in trying to take my feelings into consideration if you’re the only one doing so.” Joshua says. He digs the palms of his hands into his eyes, begging for this to all be a dream, to wake up in a cold sweat in his bed, but it’s real.

Jeonghan leaves without exchanging any more words. Joshua scoffs to himself when he wakes up the next day and sees Jeonghan and Seungcheol’s Facebook statuses changed to ‘in a relationship.’

Hansol comforts Joshua, even though Joshua denies that he needs comforting at all. He’s always been one to burrow his feelings. ‘I’ll get over it’ becomes his mantra, something that he chants to himself when Seungcheol bails on him in favour of taking Jeonghan on a date. He chants it to himself when Hansol catches him crying in the bathtub at three in the morning. He chants it to himself when Jeonghan calls him late at night, squealing over their first ‘I love you’s and no longer having any regard for Joshua’s feelings. He chants it to himself when his mind is saying ‘this is your fault’ and he can’t find it in himself to argue. He chants it to himself when he realizes that he’ll never get over it, because he didn’t just have a crush on Seungcheol, he was absolutely in love with him.

He stops believing that he’ll ever get over it, and takes comfort in the fact that Seungcheol is still his best friend. And if this is as close as they’ll ever get, he’ll just have to grin and bear it.

**Author's Note:**

> Lol


End file.
